


it’s getting harder to exist (i don’t want to feel like this).

by flustraaa



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), Criminal Minds RPF
Genre: (eh kinda), Crying Spencer Reid, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Ok like some comfort, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Fluff, William Reid’s A+ parenting skills, lowkey Moreid but only if you really really squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24535318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flustraaa/pseuds/flustraaa
Summary: twenty.twenty minutes, and twenty years.those two numbers are so different and yet so painfully similar—and the worst part about is, the common factor always seems to lead back to the one person spencer isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to forgive.forgive and forget— but that was never an option when he had an eidetic memory.
Relationships: Penelope Garcia & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & David Rossi, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team, Spencer Reid & William Reid
Comments: 7
Kudos: 177





	it’s getting harder to exist (i don’t want to feel like this).

Reid can’t explain it, but somehow he just knows. Maybe it’s the look in William Reid’s eyes when he tells him that he’s innocent, or maybe it’s the way he just can’t stop himself from bringing up all the ways that Spencer is like him. 

Except that’s the thing, Spencer is _nothing_ like him and he never _will_ be.

It takes a very persuasive phone call to one Penelope Garcia for Reid to secure the address of his father’s home, and when he does he sits in his car for an obscene amount of time, fingers tapping on the wheel in a pattern of three as he tries to remember that breathing is good and he needs air to survive.

It’s only after what feels like days have passed and the sun has set that Reid manages to get out of his car, and make his way up to the front door. He raps his white-knuckled fist against the door, three times, utterly unable to comprehend how his father could live twenty minutes away, and leave him all alone.

The door opens, and a moment of silence passes between them. Neither is able to comprehend the situation at hand— _why_ Reid has decided to show up at his estranged father’s residence all alone at nine o’clock at night.

But he supposes that that’s how it has always been, and that’s how it will always be.

“ _Spencer_ ,” William is the first one to break the silence, “What are you doing here?”

“ _Twenty minutes_ ,” Spencer states, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Spencer,” He sighs, but Spencer is nowhere near done with him yet.

“You live twenty minutes away from me this whole time. Twenty minutes away when I was starving and begging mom to get help. Twenty minutes when I was crying myself to sleep, understanding that statistics don’t lie— not like a father could. Twenty minutes away when I sat alone on the railroad tracks wondering how I was going to pay for my mom— your wife— and college. Twenty minutes away when I wanted to give up,” he’s breathing heavily, heart pounding and eyes glazing over. His voice is hoarse when he was whispers, “Twenty minutes away when I _needed_ you.”

William Reid stands across from his son, stunned to silence.

“You kept _tabs_ on me. You have folders full of _my_ work saved on your laptop, all of my theses, newspaper clippings, you name it— scratch that, if it has _my name_ on it _you_ have it,” He croaks, tears slipping down his cheeks as William Reid’s own eyes begin to become misty— his stomach tying itself into knots.

Spencer fidgets his hands at his hip, breaths shaky, “Twenty minutes away and for someone who cares enough to keep tabs on their child, you never seemed to be able to drive to let me know that I didn’t need to wonder how I was going to pay the bills for mom.”

William opens his mouth, but Spencer shakes his head in a swift movement, silencing him at once. 

“Now we’re five feet and _twenty years_ apart, and we’re looking at each other,” Spencer’s voice drops to a threateningly low tone, “And all I want you to remember about this conversation is these next twenty three words.”

And like the coward he is, William Reid nods, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Once I bring you in, and run those finger prints, you are going to jail, and I will always be twenty years away,” it’s not a threat, it’s a _promise_ — and from the look on his father’s face, Reid knows he’s right.

Reid turns on his heels, ready to disappear like his father did all those years ago, but when William Reid calls out to him.

“Spencer!” He turns around, because he will never be half of the uncourageous, useless,horrible, and weak person that his father is and always has been. “I’m proud of you, and i love you. You know that, right?”

“How _could_ I?” Spencer laughs, utterly mirthless and devoid of any and all sympathy he may have had even fifteen years ago, “You were always twenty minutes away, and you never let me know.” 

  
  


Two days pass before he sees it with his own eyes. The prints come back positive, and William Reid is on the verge of a complete mental breakdown in the interrogation room.

He’s despicable, and when the sheriff takes him out in handcuffs, Spencer watches him with disdain burning through his body.

“Spencer, I did it for you!” Those are his last words as he disappears around the bend. 

Spencer can’t stop the words, he only intends to think them but he needs them to be loud, they need to be heard even if it’s just by four cold cement walls.

“I can’t do anything for you,” He breathes to himself, his facade crumbling, “and even if I could, I don’t think I _would_.”

The door clicks open, and it’s Morgan who rests a hand on his shoulder.

“You alright, Kid?” His voice is soft, not prying, but for some reason is seems to hit Spencer’s Achilles heel just right, because within moments, he’s falling completely apart.

“I wanted him to be _good_ ,” Spencer says shakily, voice muffled by Morgan’st-shirt, “If not for me, then for others. He couldn’t even do that.”

Morgan doesn’t respond, he just holds Reid while he cries into his shoulder, hiccuping sobs obliterating Morgan’s heart.

“I’m so sorry, Kid.” Morgan whispers, closing his eyes when the words meant to comfort Reid serve to unravel him more.

And so they stand in a cold cinderblock room for hours, Reid sobbing and Morgan running soothing circles over his back.

When he finally stops crying, Rossi and Morgan walk in front of him like a shield as they head back to the airstrip.  
  


It’s not until twenty days later, when Garcia cracks and tells him that William Reid did not plead guilty— the verdict was ruled self-defence (and the protection of his biological child)— that Spencer Reid breaks down again.

Because once again, his father managed to walk through fire unscathed—

And somehow, Reid is still the one left to pick up the twenty broken pieces and try to shove them back together again.


End file.
